“Luckily my mum’s not a pig”

The following is a word for word transcript of a secret recording I managed to take of a fascinating woman talking rather loudly on her phone on a 5pm Saturday bus.

“I ain’t never eating Chinese food bruv. Seriously… No bruv, we ain’t doing it no more. We ain’t eating it no more. No more Chinese food…wait, just let me check if there are any Chinese people on the bus… No… But I don’t know about upstairs. I was watching this show yeah. I was watching Gogglebox. You ever seen Gogglebox?… Basically, you’re watching people watch TV… It’s my fucking show, man! I love it. It’s my show. So yeah, they were watching a documentary about China. In China yeah they steal dogs off the street yeah and cook ‘em. It’s so fucking cruel man. Anyway, this lady was just chopping up a dog man and it looked like ribs. I mean it! It looked like the fucking ribs I eat every time. It looked like the lamb ribs I cook. I mean it, you’d never know what they were man. It could be a dog. We ain’t never eating that shit again man. So fucking cruel man… In their country they don’t eat all that Chinese food, man. They eat actually healthy, that’s why there’s…you know what, yeah, there’s only a couple of fat Chinese people I’ve seen. All of them are skinny and have nice figures because they don’t eat that…that nasty shit. They just sell it here. They don’t care, they don’t care about our health, bruv…yeah…yeah man, my mum…my mum, my mum bought a pack of sushi from Tesco and some beetle or a cockroach came out of it…Yes! My mum went back to Tesco and dash it upon their face… what do you mean? She dashed it in their face and said “I want my money back! The fuck I’m eating beetles, bruv? What the fuck is this?” hahahaha… HAHAHAHA… what? Shit yeah my mum took that bus, 276, back to that Tesco. She dash it in their face. D’ya mean? On my receipt it says ‘sushi’, bruv, not fucking beetles. I on’t want that. I want my money, bruv. Beetles coming out of it. That scared the shit out of me, bruv! Luckily my mum looks at her food before she eats it. Luckily my mum’s not a pig and just shoves it down her face. She bites it and she puts it back down. She bit it then she put it back down. We saw something crawling, bruv! Yes! It was in the thing alive! i said “why is your pepper moving? Why is the pepper moving?!” Then…a fucking bug. In the food…That’s what I’m saying…It doesn’t matter if it’s fucking dead or alive, there was a fucking beetle in there. The was something that had a heartbeat in her food. That’s not right….hahaha…It’s not funny, that moment’s just come back to my head….haha…yes! What do you mean? Things that have heartbeats should not be in your food. Unless it’s chicken… The only thing, the only living thing that I’ll ever eat is chicken, lamb, beef and…and ham, like bacon and stuff like that and fish – yeah pig, that’s it, and fish. That’s it. And you know what yeah? I try not to think about it. I try not to think…mhmm…And the way that they killed these dogs on the programme yeah, is so heartless. They just take a hammer and pop it upon their head. They don’t care. So evil. The dogs are alive, you know? And they just…and they way they steal the dogs, yeah, they have this, like, truck. No, when they first steal them, yeah, they yank it with like this thing that looks like a walking stick and they put it on their collar and they just drag hem along the motorbike . They just drag them and the dogs just die…yeah.”

© Carl Burkitt 2014

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