The Londoner missed his FUCKING BUS. He waited for two more minutes and got on the next one.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Waiting game
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Monthly Archives: July 2014
Uncool
NO.86 LIVERPOOL, ISLINGTON, LONDON.
MICHELLE: Pete? Did you pack the cucumber?
PETE: Yep.
MICHELLE: Definitely?
PETE: Definitely. Why?
MICHELLE: Can’t find it in the bag.
PETE: That’s annoying.
MICHELLE: Do you think we left it at the till?
PETE: Probably.
MICHELLE: No worries. I’ll pick one up tomorrow. It’s not important.
SALAD SECTION OF SAINSBURY’S SUPER MARKET, LIVERPOOL ROAD, ISLINGTON, LONDON.
JENKINS: Mullins. Yo, Mullins! Mullins? Oh, Jesus…
MARTINS: What’s up, Jenkins?
JENKINS: MULLINS! Oh, man. I think they took Mullins.
MARTINS: No way…
JENKINS: I turned my back for one second. The animals!
MARTINS: Christ, we gotta tell Chief.
CHIEF: Gotta tell Chief what?
JENKINS: Chief! They’ve…they’ve taken Mullins!
CHIEF: They’ve taken Mullins? Are you sure?
JENKINS: He was next to me, I turned round, and now he’s gone.
CHIEF: God damn. Son of a bitch was two days from retirement.
MARTINS: What do we do, Chief?
CHIEF: Nothing we can do, boys. When it’s your time to be picked, it’s your time to be picked. And today was his time.
JENKINS: Surely we can do something!
CHIEF: Sorry, son. It was his time.
THE ALLEYWAY TWO MINUTES FROM NO.86 LIVERPOOL ROAD, ISLINGTON, LONDON.
MULLINS: I’m getting too old for this shit.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
10 seconds after the Englishman found out he was the last human on Earth
“Blimey. Put the kettle o… bugger.”
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Funny old game
A bankrupt Dale Winton rearranged his Lidl name badge, picked up his broom and laughed at life’s ironies.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
The pervert
The pervert started perving on the sexy lady
From 50 perverted feet
As he pervily cycled towards her
on his great big pervy perv bike
He perved on her boobs.
He perved on her legs.
He perved on her lips.
He perved on her nose.
And as he went by
He perved on her side
from her sexy head to her sexy toes.
With her now behind his pervy back
He opened his perverted mouth and perved out a pervily, pervy piece of perv
But his pathetically perverted, pervy front wheel
Pervily clipped the curb
Sending him over his rock hard, pervaciously perverted
handlebars.
The pervert landed pervily on the ground
and died
With a smile upon his face
And a bollard right up his arse.
The perv.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
The Evolution of Carl
At 9.30am in Hackney today, I saw a man in his late 50s wearing just a pair of shorts, holding a large pack of chips in one hand and a half full 2 litre bottle of cider in the other. He was singing ‘It’s Not Unusual’ by Tom Jones, at a lamppost.
27-YEAR-OLD CARL
Keep your head down. He’s harmless. But it’s early. Just get to work and cross your fingers he gets to where ever he’s going, safely.
17-YEAR-OLD CARL
Nice life choices, loser! It’s pretty cool knowing I’ll never end up like that.
7-YEAR-OLD CARL
Wow! He’s unlike any big person I’ve ever seen! I wish he was my dad. I can’t wait to grow up and have all the fun I want!
© Carl Burkitt 2014
The day all of the humans suddenly dropped dead
DUCK #1: Does this mean we get no more-
DUCK #2: Yep.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Quick to judge
The man grabbed the arse
of the female stranger.
She’d trodden on a land mine
and her bits were everywhere.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Parlez-vous français?
La lune
et de la fourche.
Dimanche.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
New boy
“Dinner?” she said.
“Yeah,” he said.
“What do you mean?” she said.
“You know, would you like me to take you to dinner?” he said.
“Why?” she said.
“Because…” he said.
“Because what?” she said.
“Because that’s what happens, isn’t it?” he said.
“Look,” she said. “If you want to sniff my arse, just sniff my arse.”
“Really?” he said.
“Yes,” she said.
“Right,” he said.
“OK,” she said.
It’d been barely two hours since he’d reincarnated as a dog, and to be honest, Roger was bloody loving it.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Carl tells tales 