Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa wearing a black bald cap and an Ivory Coast football shirt with ‘Zokora’ on the back.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room wearing a blue floral dress.

HAZEL: Oh, Barbara!

BARBARA: What?

HAZEL: Today is our traditional ‘Most Capped Player Day’. You promised you’d take part this year. I’ve come dressed as Didier Zokora. You were supposed to come as Colombia’s Carlos Valderrama.

BARBARA: I have!

HAZEL: No you haven’t!

BARBARA: I have!

HAZEL: You’re wearing a dress! Plus, wears his massive blonde, curly afro?

Barbara lifts up the bottom of her dress in Hazel’s direction.

HAZEL: You’re a fucking animal.

© Carl Burkitt 2014