[DUSTY FIST and THE BUTCHER’S SON are lugging some boxes from a filthy alley behind a warehouse into the back of a battered black 4×4.]

DUSTY FIST: Can I run my latest poem past you?

THE BUTCHER’S SON: Nah.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[MAARK is thinking about playing darts. MUM CALLING appears on his phone screen.]

MUM: Maark!

MAARK: Mum!

MUM: Opera Wine Fry?

[Pause]

Upra Win Three?

[Pause]

Operate Wing Tree?

MAARK: Oprah Winfrey.

MUM: Ta!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

There once was a man called Pete
Who always said things on repeat
His name was Pete
He said things on repeat
There once was a man called Pete

Carl Burkitt 2024

[ERIC is standing in the back garden staring at an apple tree. It’s a big bugger. Chock full of apples.]

ERIC: How long’s this been here?

[SANDRA, Eric’s life partner, is crunching through a recently purchased Pink Lady from the local Waitrose.]

SANDRA: I dunno, 40 years?

[Eric starts doing the maths on his fingers, watching juice and pips fly out of Sandra’s gob.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[ALEXANDER is watching the football. HENRY THE FARMER is chewing on a bit of corn, looking at pictures of cows on his phone.]

HENRY THE FARMER: God, I love being a farmer.

ALEXANDER: Yeah, you said.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

Teddy Riner from France just won his third individual +100kg men’s judo Olympic gold medal in his home country and I’m imagining my son being older then four, bigger than a bus, stronger than the jaws of a crocodile, deadlier than a forest fire, more respectful than a dojo of please and thank yous.

Carl Burkitt 2024

[PAT and GERALDINE SWAYZE are sitting on separate armchairs in front of, I reckon, a 72-inch plasma TV.]

[The end credits of the film ‘Ghost’ are scrolling.]

GERALDINE: Ha!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

I have no doubt Roger Federer’s dad forgot to pack Roger Federer’s tennis racquet for Roger Federer’s tennis lessons at least once and Rafa Nadal’s dad did not pack the right post-tennis lesson snack for Rafa Nadal and Andy Murray’s dad got Andy Murray to Andy Murray’s tennis lesson one minute late and I have no doubt Roger Federer’s dad and Rafa Nadal’s dad and Andy Murray’s dad spent that entire tennis lesson writing terrible poems in their pocket notebook for Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal and Andy Murray to find one day when they were dead. 

Carl Burkitt 2024

[JULIA is sitting up in bed, restless. THE GHOST is floating above her head.]

THE GHOST: Everything OK, Julia?

JULIA: I can’t sleep.

THE GHOST: Oh no, what’s wrong?

[A bit of ghost blood drips from a gaping wound in The Ghost’s torso,
landing on Julia’s pillow.]

JULIA: Big presentation to the board tomorrow.

THE GHOST: You’ll be great, hun.

[The Ghost’s face falls off.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[LUCAS and KEITH are playing that game where you travel around a board pretending to be a little dog or a boot or a top hat buying parts of London.]

LUCAS: If you were a wrestler, what would you call yourself?

KEITH: What kind of wrestler?

LUCAS: You know, the kind on TV. Big muscly types, oiled up, long hair, brightly coloured outfits, elaborate entrances, spectacular moves, deep voices, dramatic storylines, intimidating names like The Finisher.

[Four days pass.]

KEITH: The Keith

LUCAS: What’s that, Dad?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024