Reginald sold all of his things and purchased the dilapidated Old Post Office, which he turned into a hotel.
Despite renovation work, the rooms were in terrible condition. But the service was first class!
Unfortunately that wasn’t enough and Reginald’s hotel was closed down by Health and Safety, leaving him homeless after his wife ultimately left him.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
The man fell asleep.
When he woke up, his mouth was full of fingers.
They weren’t his.
He looked around the carriage and noticed it was empty.
“The next station is Newcastle,” chimmed the announcer.
As he scooped a pinky from his gob, the man felt stupid for missing his stop. Again!
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Benedict was the best tightrope walker in the world. He’d done it all. He’d walked from one side of the Grand Canyon to the other; down the length of the entire River Thames and up Mount Everest (Somehow). But he was bored. He had no challenge to complete, so he thought he’d attempt the impossible: a tightrope walk with no tightrope.
Benedict climbed to the top of his block of flats, gazed out at the London skyline, took one step off the edge and fell to his death. Obviously.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
642 Challenge: “Write about a tightrope walker who falls.”
Finding the set of legs on her driveway was very unsettling for Sian. She wiped the sweat from her brow, scooped up the limbs and chucked them in the bin with the rest of the body. ‘I’d forget my head of it wasn’t screwed on!’ she thought, climbing into her car.
As she pulled away Sian looked in the rearview mirror and, when she spotted the boy’s head on the back seat, absolutely pissed herself laughing.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Mrs Schrödinger opened the box and stabbed her husband’s cat.
“It’s dead!” she yelled. “Now stop fucking about and drive me to my mother’s.”
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Miriam fell in love with her Sims 4 character and treated him to a brand new sound system.
Whilst watching him dance in his pants, she leant forward for a kiss and cracked a front tooth on her laptop.
But despite the searing pain in her gums and her mouth filling with blood Miriam, the trooper, continued touching herself to completion.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
The couple stood by the bonfire.
As the woman stared into the man’s eyes, he exploded.
His passion screeched its way above the field, filling the sky with the colours of his love.
When bits of bones and clumps of flesh began falling on the crowd, the woman moaned how he “always took things too far.”
© Carl Burkitt 2015
‘I’ve got an iron deficiency,’ revealed George.
‘My wife has that,’ said Mack.
‘Never manages to get my shirt creases out!’
The mates laughed their heads off as George ever-so-slowly died from anaemia.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
The Pope got home and slumped on the sofa.
‘How was work?’ asked Little Jimmy.
‘Ah, you know. The usual fire-fighting. Now, enough about me. Let’s pop those off, shall we?’ said the Pope, pointing at the boy’s trousers.
Little Jimmy giggled and did as he was told.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
“What do you make of the quinoa?” asked an old friend, sipping his strawberry Weetabix protein drink.
A tear trickled down my cheek.
“What’s wrong?!” he tried.
“Sorry,” I said, playing with my phone charger. “I’m just trying to work out the quickest way to murder you with this plug.”
“Go with the chord,” he nodded, solumnly removing his leather trilby.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Carl tells tales 