[PATRICIA and RAHUL are alone, just the two of them on the sofa. The room is warm, dimly lit and the air is comfortably silent. They may as well be the only two people left on Earth.]
[Patricia is asleep and Rahul has his arm around her shoulder as her head rests on his chest.]
[Patricia farts herself awake.]
PATRICIA: That wasn’t me.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[LACEY and CHANEL are putting their wellies on.]
LACEY: The biggest difference between you and me…
CHANEL: Go on…
LACEY: Is feet.
CHANEL: What on Earth does that mean?
LACEY: I mean, you’ve got three feet.
CHANEL: Yes…
LACEY: And I’ve got two.
CHANEL: Of course.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[BRADLEY is watching Homes Under The Hammer on a Tuesday.]
[Enter JOELLE]
JOELLE: Are you wanking?
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[EDITH takes 27 minutes to open her front door.]
[HAROLD is standing outside: a smile on his face, a tweed jacket on his back, a brown flat cap on his head, beige linen trousers on his legs and something in his hands.]
EDITH: Are they Hob Nobs?
HAROLD: Milk chocolate ones, yeah.
EDITH: Take your pants off.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[JEFF is standing in his top floor study, staring at the bookshelf.]
JEFF: Blimey. There’s a lot of books. I mean, not just here but, in the world. You know? There are so many books. There are so many books that no matter how many books I read I will never even make a dent in the amount of books there are. I mean, I will read a fair amount of books before I die, but there are just too many books to read all the book, you know? I can’t even begin to imagine how many books there are.
[SUE, Jeff’s wife, slaps the downstairs bannister with her tennis racket.]
SUE: [Off stage] Seen my mints?
JEFF: I don’t think so.
SUE: Got them.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[SIOBHAN swings the kitchen door open with gusto. She observes the carefully curated plates of food by DENNY and puts her hands on her hips.]
SIOBHAN: Salmon…again?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
DENNY: It’s beef.
SIOBHAN: EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[ROSE is eating a choc ice in her garden. MARLON is eating two.]
MARLON: Gosh, the moon’s out early today.
ROSE: That’s the sun.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[DOUG is looking out the window as The Red Arrows (officially known as the Royal Air Force Aerobatic Team) fly over the house in a perfectly formed V-shape.]
[A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG is looking at the rug on the floor.]
DOUG: What do you think it feels like to be a fighter pilot?
A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG: Probably.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[HARPER is taking the bins out.]
HARPER: I bloody love taking the bins out.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[PLANK is looking a little cheeky. LILY is yawning.]
PLANK: Fancy doing something extreme? I was thinking of-
LILY: Christ yes! S&M? Swinging? Bareknuckle boxing? Badger baiting? Driving the car into the quarry? Telling your Mum what we did? Punching a fox? Swearing at a Priest? I’m PUMPED!
[Pause]
Sorry, what were you thinking of doing?
[PLANK reveals an open pot of Sour Cream and Chive Pringles.]
PLANK: …eating two at a time…
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
Carl tells tales 