[THE BADGER wanders into the Wig and Pig pub and sees THE MOLE.]

THE BADGER: Mole.

THE MOLE: Badger.

[THE PIGEON walks in and all hell breaks loose.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DARCY DING DONG is knackered on the sofa. Desperate for a bit of ding dong energy.]

[DING DONG, ding dongs Darcy Ding Dong’s doorbell.]

DARCY DING DONG: DING DONG!!!

[Darcy Ding Dong jumps off the sofa and boots down her door from the inside.]

DARCY DING DONG: DING DONG!!!

[THE POSTMAN behind the door dies.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY is eating gold-tinted caviar out of the shell of giant tortoise using a unicorn horn as a spoon.]

MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY: MONTY!

[In walks MONTY, Mont Gomery Montgomery’s butler (I know, it’s confusing).]

MONTY: Yeee-eeeeeees?

MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY: Gimme a snog.

[They have a right old snoggy snoo.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MARY is looking for a dust cloth. MARVIN walks into the kitchen wearing nothing but a dust cloth over his genitals.]

MARY: Let’s do this.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE BABY is looking cute with its yellow baby grow and pink dummy and fluffy white socks and squidgy cheeks and button-nose and soft, thin hair and little podgy fingers and lovely wovely chinny winny and coochie oochie coochie little oochie coochie coo!!!!!!!!!]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[STANLEY is in a spa roughly 100 miles from his house. The two-day stay was a gift for him and his wife SUZANNE by Suzanne’s sister (June, not Emily).]

STANLEY: Isn’t this relaxing?

SUZANNE: It really is.

STANLEY: I can’t even remember why June thought we needed a getaway!

SUZANNE: You fucked Emily.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[PARKER gets himself a new phone. It has a swanky camera, a heck of a lot of memory, and a gorgeous bespoke cover with a picture of his year 11 class photo from the 1980s. He’s very excited to one day be able to fill the phone with numbers of people who want to talk to him.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE MAGICIAN disappeared! Not really. He just hid behind a door that was on stage and had a well-earned cry.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MICHELIN STAR JOHN places a plate of his award-winning shoulder of lamb and red cabbage in front of I’M BETTER THAN YOU PAUL, who takes a bite of it.]

I’M BETTER THAN YOU PAUL: I’m better than you.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[A VERY SMALL MAN is in quite a bit of danger. He’s screaming for help but no one can hear him because he’s very small and/or he’s rather unlikeable based on his views on the modern world and people are just ignoring him.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025