Usher
Was asked for directions
And wouldn’t stop crying.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Paul Simon
Poured more wine on his face
As he screamed something about
“Betty” and “diamonds” and “bridges”
Before passing out for weeks.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Josh Hutcherson,
That guy from Hunger Games,
Never went hungry again
After appearing in Hunger Games.
(Rumour has it
He robbed all of his co-stars.
He was LOADED.)

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Dawn French
Could bench press
More than you think.
Try and think about
How much Dawn French
Could bench press
And I promise you
Dawn French
Could bench press
Way more than that.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Charles Dance
Would have a dance
Whenever he got the chance.
Tap, foxtrot, ballroom, ballet,
He’d try every step, every single day.
He wasn’t very good,
But that didn’t matter,
He’d even shake his hips
Over tea and a natter.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

David Cameron
Put smoked ham on
His willy and wept.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Matt Damon
Said “GAME ON!”
To everything.

“Fancy a cuppa, Matt?”
“GAME ON!”

“How’s your mum, Matt?”
“GAME ON!”

“Matt, I’m dying.”
“GAME ON!”

We all cope differently, I guess.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Thom York
Used a spork
To eat all his meals.
He loved its versatility,
Size and not to mention its feel.
He loved it so much
He decided to write a song about it.
I think you’d like it
If you heard it.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

LeBron James Jr,
Son of basketball player LeBron James,
Wondered whether he would ever
Call a son of his LeBron James Jr Jr.
And then whether LeBron James Jr Jr
Would call his son LeBron James Jr Jr Jr
And then whether LeBron James Jr Jr Jr
Would call his son LeBron James Jr Jr Jr Jr
And then he remembered he was only 15
So went back to doing something else.
(Masturbating, probably.)

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Bob Geldof
Fell off his skateboard.
He cut up his hand
So put on a band aid.

© Carl Burkitt 2019