Bird or shark?

“Would you rather fly like a bird or breathe underwater like a shark?” asked the wise, old wizard.

“Fly like a bird, obviously,” I replied.

“Very good,” he said as wings appeared on my back. “Next question. Would you rather watch your parents have sex every day or join in just the once?”

“I don’t want to play anymore.”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!” he yelled, aggressively pointing his wand in my face.

“I…I guess I’d join in just the once…”

“Very good,” he said as my dad beckoned me to his bedroom.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

642 Challenge: “You meet an old wizard who offers you the power to fly like a bird or swim and breathe underwater like a shark.”

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Gone

I woke up and she was gone.
The lamp was gone, too.
I couldn’t believe she took the lamp.
And the bedside table.
Then I spotted she’d taken the wardrobe as well.
And the chest of drawers.
She’d even taken the bloody bed!
Then I realised I’d woken up in the living room.
Haha.
She had left me though.
That’s why I was waking up on the living room floor,
on a Tuesday lunchtime, blind drunk.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

642 Challenge: “One morning, everything is different.”

I love my horse, of course

Dearest horse,
I love you, of course.
I love your hair that’s coarse
and how you make my throat hoarse
through joy of course,
laughing around our little race course.
I’m not a very good poet, of course,
but I’m a cowboy
and I love my horse so much
I’m going to call myself a horseboy
because I love my horse, of course.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

642 Challenge: “You are a cowboy. Write a poem to your horse.”

The cactus and the balloon

I bought a balloon and filled it with helium.
I got a piece of string and tied one end to the balloon and the other to my cactus.
I started masturbating to it.
When my mum stumbled into my room, I managed to put my penis away in time but she was confused about the balloon tied to the cactus.
I told her that my cactus had always wanted to ride a hot air balloon but couldn’t because it was a cactus and might burst the balloon, so I thought I would tie a helium balloon to it so it could briefly live its dream.
She believed me.
Weirdo.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

642 Challenge: “A talking cactus tells you his one dream is to ride in a hot air balloon; but he can’t move from the ground, and he is afraid he will pop the balloon. How do you help him make his dream come true?”

Pockets of kittens

I filled my pockets with kittens. Shorts, trousers, jackets, coats, bags, the lot. I put them in every pocket I own because in case I needed a kitten there would always be one available for me. Because I filled all of my pockets with kittens.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

642 Challenge: “You find a bunch of kittens in a box on the side of the road. They can’t find their mother. What do you do with the kittens?”

The dark

I can see in the dark.
Every night I walk around when everyone else is still.
I see the things they choose to ignore as they snore.
I can see in the dark.
I don’t like everything I see, but it’s just for me.
So I walk around in the dark as much as I can.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

642 Challenge: “You can see in the dark.”

The plants and animals

On a warm summer evening
I went out to play in my backyard,
when suddenly I realised
something magical was happening.
All the plants and animals were fucking.
I think.
I’d been drinking.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

642 Challenge: “On a warm summer evening I went out to play in my backyard, when suddenly I realised something magical was happening. All the plants and animals were…”