I climb inside your heart and find
George Clarke shouting, “An amazing space!”
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen is in the corner explaining
there is just no way he can improve the decor.
So I sit on the soft, L-shaped sofa and listen
to Charlie Dimmock and Tommy Walsh sharing
poems about the water feature of your ventricles.
Carol Smillie has never smiled so much.
Alan Titchmarsh has never has so little to do.
Handy Andy has gone out for a pint
and Nick Knowles is working
on a new song called ‘SOS Answered’.

Carl Burkitt 2025

Writing a poem is easy. All you need to do is pick up a mountain, turn it upside down and eat it like an ice cream cone. Writing a poem is easy. All you need to is comb your hair with a hedgehog every morning, brush your teeth with an acorn, have breakfast with the King of England. Writing a poem is easy. All you need to do is kiss the sun, remember the name of every raindrop you meet, swim through outer-space. Writing a poem is easy. All you need to do is take your brain out and give it a wash, grow lightening in your fingers, swap your eyes for kaleidoscopes.

Carl Burkitt 2025

The daffodils arrive
like a herd of harmless lions,
daytime stars balancing
on alien-green fingers. 

The daffodils arrive
like a butter-trumpet orchestra,
a set of cheesy lips
puckering up for a kiss.

The daffodils arrive
like chicks playing musical statues,
yawning tennis balls,
a family of whistling canaries.

The daffodils arrive
like silent fireworks,
golden full stops
on the dark afternoons.

Carl Burkitt 2025

I did all my crying privately.
I can certainly cry at funerals
but, at the end of the day,
he’s gone, she’s gone, they’ve gone,
she’s gone, they’ve gone, he’s gone,
and today the sun is out
and I’m here with you
and half a pint of Bonnington’s Best.
How do you feel about your death?
I’ll be much sadder than you when you die
so let’s keep drinking.
Of course I don’t want to die.

Carl Burkitt 2025

this goes out to the early-wormers
the concrete-walkers
the toast-in-your-molars
the uniform-wearers
the running-laters
the personality-jugglers
the world-is-too-muchers
the wish-your-skin-wasn’t-realers
the relentless-bad-news-receivers
the what’s-the-pointers
the how-do-you-keep-goingers
the smells-like-giving-uppers
the blah-blah-blahers
the the-the-the-ers

Carl Burkitt 2025

I think about sadness
and the way it fills the space
in a day like water. Life rafts exist –
in morning Lego builds,
the way you watch sunflowers,
how you notice the shape of buttercups,
a bumble bee straw in fresh apple juice,
a pub landlord knowing your name,
train spotting,
teaching you how to spell ‘train spotting’,
your confidence
that you are the fastest runner on Earth –
but how do I swim to them
when my feet and hands are tied?

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DEAN is reading a MARY BERRY cookbook.]

DEAN: Wow. This kind looking lady can cook!

[Curtain]

[Whoops, forgot to say that Dean stole the book from an Oxfam bookshop and gunpoint, so just be wary of the guy.]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[JERRY climbs a tree. Yippee!]

[Jerry falls off the tree. Ouchie!]

[Jerry’s funeral is tomorrow. Goodie!]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MINK and FLORG are on a blind date.]

MINK: Hi, Florg.

FLORG: It’s pronounced Florg.

MINK: Florg.

FLORG: Florg.

MINK: Florg?

FLORG: That’s it! Well done, Mink.

MINK: It’s pronounced Greg.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[REGINALD is on the toilet. He reaches for the toilet roll.]

REGINALD: Uh oh.

[Yep, no toilet roll.]

REGINALD: No toilet roll.

[Told ya.]

[Reginald decides to reach for *&%$£$ and shove it £$£%^&^ and wipe the &^*^$$ and ends up with *&^&%$% and then $£%$%&&.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025