[ALEXANDER is watching the football. HENRY THE FARMER is chewing on a bit of corn, looking at pictures of cows on his phone.]

HENRY THE FARMER: God, I love being a farmer.

ALEXANDER: Yeah, you said.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

Teddy Riner from France just won his third individual +100kg men’s judo Olympic gold medal in his home country and I’m imagining my son being older then four, bigger than a bus, stronger than the jaws of a crocodile, deadlier than a forest fire, more respectful than a dojo of please and thank yous.

Carl Burkitt 2024

[PAT and GERALDINE SWAYZE are sitting on separate armchairs in front of, I reckon, a 72-inch plasma TV.]

[The end credits of the film ‘Ghost’ are scrolling.]

GERALDINE: Ha!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

I have no doubt Roger Federer’s dad forgot to pack Roger Federer’s tennis racquet for Roger Federer’s tennis lessons at least once and Rafa Nadal’s dad did not pack the right post-tennis lesson snack for Rafa Nadal and Andy Murray’s dad got Andy Murray to Andy Murray’s tennis lesson one minute late and I have no doubt Roger Federer’s dad and Rafa Nadal’s dad and Andy Murray’s dad spent that entire tennis lesson writing terrible poems in their pocket notebook for Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal and Andy Murray to find one day when they were dead. 

Carl Burkitt 2024

[JULIA is sitting up in bed, restless. THE GHOST is floating above her head.]

THE GHOST: Everything OK, Julia?

JULIA: I can’t sleep.

THE GHOST: Oh no, what’s wrong?

[A bit of ghost blood drips from a gaping wound in The Ghost’s torso,
landing on Julia’s pillow.]

JULIA: Big presentation to the board tomorrow.

THE GHOST: You’ll be great, hun.

[The Ghost’s face falls off.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[LUCAS and KEITH are playing that game where you travel around a board pretending to be a little dog or a boot or a top hat buying parts of London.]

LUCAS: If you were a wrestler, what would you call yourself?

KEITH: What kind of wrestler?

LUCAS: You know, the kind on TV. Big muscly types, oiled up, long hair, brightly coloured outfits, elaborate entrances, spectacular moves, deep voices, dramatic storylines, intimidating names like The Finisher.

[Four days pass.]

KEITH: The Keith

LUCAS: What’s that, Dad?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

Every Tuesday at 3.30pm they sit
on the only bench in the middle of the woods.
The motorway sings behind the trees,
dogs and their walkers float by
like clouds clearing the way for sunshine.
Most weeks they say nothing,
let the feel of their touching shoulders
do all of the talking. Today
she is readjusting his watch, perhaps
freezing time before life no longer needs them
to wear school uniforms with nowhere to be.

Carl Burkitt 2024

[WALLY is standing in the living room surrounded by loads of his
possessions stuffed in boxes. He’s moving house.]

[Wally reaches for an empty box but realises he’s packed his hands
away.]

[Wally reaches to rub his chin with his wrist, but realises he’s packed his head away too.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

I chose Batman over Superman. I knew, as a child, Superman’s power of flight, super strength, x-ray vision and slicked back hair would be something this world would never be able to give me. Outside of the billions of pounds and a brain to develop nifty gadgets, Batman looked attainable. I could easily see myself having a deep voice, sulking around at night, putting the health of strangers before my own, letting scars out of my control weigh deeply on armour for me to hide behind.

Carl Burkitt 2024

[CARMELLA is looking very stressed, waving her laptop in the air. THE ABSOLUTE WORST is trying to remain calm.]

THE ABSOLUTE WORST: So, what pacifically is the problem?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024