[MARY is looking for a dust cloth. MARVIN walks into the kitchen wearing nothing but a dust cloth over his genitals.]

MARY: Let’s do this.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE BABY is looking cute with its yellow baby grow and pink dummy and fluffy white socks and squidgy cheeks and button-nose and soft, thin hair and little podgy fingers and lovely wovely chinny winny and coochie oochie coochie little oochie coochie coo!!!!!!!!!]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[STANLEY is in a spa roughly 100 miles from his house. The two-day stay was a gift for him and his wife SUZANNE by Suzanne’s sister (June, not Emily).]

STANLEY: Isn’t this relaxing?

SUZANNE: It really is.

STANLEY: I can’t even remember why June thought we needed a getaway!

SUZANNE: You fucked Emily.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[PARKER gets himself a new phone. It has a swanky camera, a heck of a lot of memory, and a gorgeous bespoke cover with a picture of his year 11 class photo from the 1980s. He’s very excited to one day be able to fill the phone with numbers of people who want to talk to him.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE MAGICIAN disappeared! Not really. He just hid behind a door that was on stage and had a well-earned cry.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MICHELIN STAR JOHN places a plate of his award-winning shoulder of lamb and red cabbage in front of I’M BETTER THAN YOU PAUL, who takes a bite of it.]

I’M BETTER THAN YOU PAUL: I’m better than you.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[A VERY SMALL MAN is in quite a bit of danger. He’s screaming for help but no one can hear him because he’s very small and/or he’s rather unlikeable based on his views on the modern world and people are just ignoring him.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[A FISH is lying on the living room carpet. Not in water (this bit’s important). PAUL walks into the living room.]

PAUL: You OK?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

It’s taken two hours
on the first date in the pub
for him to finally say
something she’s interested in.

Carl Burkitt 2025

Sertraline has removed
the observations from my day.
I’m sitting in the cafe
summoning the strength
to notice the pensioner eating a Babybel,
the builder drinking black tea,
the toddler calling his panini a pa-wee-wee.
The muscles around my finger bones are
begging my eyes to watch
the steam floating from the teapot
from across the way form a swaying beard
around the chin of the baby sitting near it.
I have done nothing
harder than reminding my senses
to play with the world today.
They’re too busy thanking the drugs
for not letting me hurt myself.

Carl Burkitt 2025