Imagine I’m a piece of A4 paper. Please. Scrunch me up into the shape of a crispy snowball and lob me into the bin in the corner of the room. If it misses and hits the floor, that’s fine, but just leave me wherever I land. Let the sun from the window dry me out and fade a bit. Don’t be afraid to chuck apple cores or scrape the leftovers of your scrambled egg in the bin with me. It’s important I get used to the rotting process. I’ll be OK not talking to anyone and quickly feel at home getting lost in the darkness. In a few months time though, scoop me out unexpectedly. Flick off the dirt. Iron me out. Pop a crime drama on the telly and let’s open a tub of salt and vinegar Pringles. 

Carl Burkitt 2025

I think about how you have to grow up
and all the social media accounts that tell me
the greatest gift I can give you is
the confidence of independence
and the power to fly as far as you like.
But the selfish child in me knows
the day you swap your arms for wings
is the day you’ll never hold my hand again.

Carl Burkitt 2025

The Collywobbles live in a house made out of first dates, on a street called Job Interview. They are a quiet family. Keith Collywobble eats big decisions on toast for breakfast every morning with a mug of exams and other people’s expectations. Kelly Collywobble works in a factory that makes financial troubles and the judgement from others. Their kids, Karen and Kyle, go to Attending A Funeral High School in the village of Feeling Unprepared. The Collywobbles sleep on beds of bad news and dream outside of their comfort zone. They are a quiet family.

Carl Burkitt 2025

but you whisper swear words
like a sniper with a silencer in front of our son.
The vein on your neck is a burning candle
atop the birthday cake of the day we first met
whenever strangers cut you up.
Your car horn sings hymns of forgiveness.
Your headlights blink
Morse code for, ‘We all make mistakes’.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[JENNY is cooking a spaghetti bolognese in the kitchen. YODA walks in.]

YODA: Slicing carrots you are. Onions you have. Garlic you’ve got. Tomatoes in a tin they are-

JENNY [Interrupts]: Shut it, Patrick.

PATRICK: Sorry, love.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[BARRY BIG BUM is rubbing his big bum.]

BARRY BIG BUM: Yum yum.

[In walks HIS MUM.]

HIS MUM: Oh, son.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[Mates, BILLY, GOAT and GRUFF are having a picnic, chatting about being mates.]

BILLY: Funny how we’re mates, what with our names.

GRUFF: Haha yeah!

GOAT: MAA.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE BADGER wanders into the Wig and Pig pub and sees THE MOLE.]

THE BADGER: Mole.

THE MOLE: Badger.

[THE PIGEON walks in and all hell breaks loose.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DARCY DING DONG is knackered on the sofa. Desperate for a bit of ding dong energy.]

[DING DONG, ding dongs Darcy Ding Dong’s doorbell.]

DARCY DING DONG: DING DONG!!!

[Darcy Ding Dong jumps off the sofa and boots down her door from the inside.]

DARCY DING DONG: DING DONG!!!

[THE POSTMAN behind the door dies.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY is eating gold-tinted caviar out of the shell of giant tortoise using a unicorn horn as a spoon.]

MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY: MONTY!

[In walks MONTY, Mont Gomery Montgomery’s butler (I know, it’s confusing).]

MONTY: Yeee-eeeeeees?

MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY: Gimme a snog.

[They have a right old snoggy snoo.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025