The X Factor contestant’s mum died. His dog ran away from home. His kids found out their favourite teacher had been nicking their packed lunches. His landlord used his flat as a porn set. His sister killed his kitten. His brother-in-law turned inside out. His next door neighbour ate his bin bags. And his dad exploded. But despite all of this, he was voted off for being shit at singing.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

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