Cornwall. 16th June 2014. 23.50pm – Half time.

Hazel, 94, stares at the empty seat next to her, frustrated. For the first time in almost 50 years, Barbara, her best friend has missed a whole half of a world cup game.

Barbara, 96, runs into the living room dressed as an American high school cheerleader.

BARBARA: GIVE ME AN ‘H’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: GIVE ME AN ‘A’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: GIVE ME A ‘Z’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: GIVE ME AN ‘E’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: GIVE ME A ‘L’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: WHAT DOES IT SPELL…?

HAZEL: ‘Boring bitch’?

BARBARA: Wha-

HAZEL: Let me guess… ‘Pig’?, ‘slug’?

BARBARA: No-

HAZEL: OK, um, ‘whore’?, ‘jug ears’?, ‘wank face’?

BARBARA: Bu-

HAZEL: ‘Butthead’?, ‘Slag chest’? Go on Barbara, just come out with it for Christ’s sake. Make your joke and piss off.

Barbara, head down, reaches to the side of the living room window and turns a tassel to lower the blind, revealing a huge banner that reads “MY SAVOUR, MY BEST FRIEND, MY ONE TRUE LOVE”.

HAZEL: …Barb-

BARBARA: Good night, Hazel.

Barbara walks away and up the stairs, missing, for the first time, a whole World Cup game.

© Carl Burkitt 2014