The girl with badgers in her hair

Tracey had three badgers living in her hair. I’d love to go into why and how Tracey had three badgers living in her hair, but I can’t. It’s far too complicated.

All I’ll say is it involved an ex boyfriend and an evening she’d rather forget.

Ever since that evening, the badgers had been ruining her life. The badgers were evil. They’d brought Tracey nothing but pain.

They’d poke and scratch and push and shove Tracey’s head all over the place and ruin any kind of social situation.

They lost her friends and repelled potential boyfriends. Girls would turn their noses up at Tracey’s hair and boys would just freak out. That boy Will at work would offer a polite smile when he walked past, though, but then he did that with everyone. He was a nice lad. But heaven forbid she ever approach him. No way. She knew what happened when she went up to boys with those badgers in her hair.

She had to get used to being alone. The badgers were part of her life and she had to just put up with it.

There was one day, however, that the badgers took things too far. It was the Friday morning after a work’s do and the badgers were in an awfully evil and evilly awful mood.

They woke Tracey up at 5.00am, scraping their feet left and right, drooling out of their noses. Their rustling and snarling eventually forced her out of bed. On the way down the stairs she glanced in the mirror and was surprised at how fresh she looked. She’d go as far as to say she looked attractive. Badger 1 shoved a claw into her ear, putting her off balance and sending her tumbling down the steps. Badgers 2 and 3 didn’t giggle, they cackled.

‘Frosties,’ thought Tracey. ‘Frosties make everything better.’

She managed to make her way to the fridge, get the milk, get the Frosties, pour both into the bowl and make it to the sofa with no interruptions. Just as her bottom nestled sweetly into the soft seat, Badger 2 snatched her spoon to cause a big enough distraction to let Badger 3 poop in her bowl. Tracey tutted, grabbed a cereal bar and headed off to work.

‘I’ll grab the bus,’ thought Tracey. ‘They always behave on the bus.’

As she walked towards her bus stop Tracey pulled her hood over her head. She told the badgers it was to protect them from the rain, but it was clearly to hide them from the public. With her hood still up she paid the driver and the pests stayed quiet. She spotted Will sat at the back of the bus. While his warm smile began to steal his face Badger 3 pulled on Tracey’s fringe, causing her to drop her bag, whilst Badgers 1 and 2 bit her earlobes. Tracey grabbed her things and jumped in the first seat possible.

The unbearable journey finally came to an end 15 minutes later and the short walk to work went unscathed. ‘Coffee,’ thought Tracey. ‘Just grab a coffee and sit down.’

The machine spat out a dark, milkless coffee and she made her way to her work station. Tracey closed her eyes anticipating the gorgeous, first sip of the liquid energy. As the cup tickled her lip Badgers 1, 2 and 3 squeezed her neck, spilling the coffee all over the desk.

Tracey threw her head into her hands to catch the tears that streamed from her face. ‘How can I possibly go on like this?’ she thought. ‘How will I ever be happy again?’ She’d had dark days before, but this was it. She saw nothing but misery on the horizon.

“Tracey?” a voice asked out of nowhere.

It was Will.

Tracey scrabbled to grab her hood to hide her hair. The badgers began stirring.

“Your name’s Tracey, right?”

“Yeah,” she mumbled. She could feel the badgers kicking and scratching one another.

Badger 1 spat on her shoulder, Badger 2 started screaming and Badger 3 chewed on her hood.

“Can I help you?” she whimpered.

Will smiled. “Do you fancy a coffee?”

The badgers froze. Tracey stared.


“I wondered if you fancied having a coffee with me?”

“Er… yeah?”

The badgers started wriggling in an unfamiliar way. They began spinning and darting around the crown of Tracey’s head. She’d never felt this feeling before. Will fixed his eyes on hers. The badgers sped up. Her heart raced. Was this it? Badger 1 was the first to slide down her spine, into her trousers, out of the leg and past her shoe. Badgers 2 and 3 soon followed it towards the fire exit.

Tracey felt funny.

“You ready?”

The badgers looked back at Tracey. She nodded and turned to Will. “Yes, I’m ready.”


© Carl Burkitt 2012


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