Cornwall. 14th June 2014. 20.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, sighs.

HAZEL: Such a shame Luis Suarez isn’t starting. He’s a bit of a plonker but he’s a genuinely world class player and that’s exactly what you want to see at the World Cup. He scores some cracking goals. You’d struggle to find a bad one out of the 31 he netted for Liverpool the season just gone. Plus he’s such a hard worker for the team, that’s clear from his 12 assists in the 2013-14 season, and he just doesn’t stop running. He would tear Costa Rica apart.

Barbara, 96, looks up from her iPhone, shocked.

BARBARA: Can you believe, Antony Costa is only 32? He looks at least 40.

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Blue are shit.

© Carl Burkitt 2014